The Choice About A JOB or a job?

So I'm very anxious to get into my interview this week. But in hoping and praying for a better position to make a better life for myself and my family, I will be sad to leave my current position. They really do care about all of their employees and makes it difficult to leave when you work so closely together. Unfortunately, I would only be staying there out of loyalty to them for the comfortable position I have on a daily basis.

So I'm making the decision to look elsewhere. I've really wanted to see my husband do for himself the things he needs to do to be the person he really is......creative, intelligent and personable. If getting myself out of a comfort zone sounds bad.....I need to remind myself that it will create a new buzz for myself and my husband also. Yeah, we may struggle financially for a bit, but that's nothing new. And this time....it'll be worth it to start building a real US.

Please wish us some luck.....

My Journey With Autism

I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Martika, over 21 years ago. Wow, times truly flies. I was 19 and in a weird living situation. Her bio dad wanted nothing to do with her was my thought, but now I think he just didn't know what he could do or even wanted to do. Of course, he hasn't seen her in over 20 years, so I'd have hoped he would have figured it out by now....oh well.

I noticed at about a year and a half, she starting acting odd with these weird type of fits and not talking like she had been. Was really hard to concentrate on it with having a new born daughter also at the time. Doctors, specialists, project child, etc.....your daughter is autistic. This was 1991. WTH is that? lol.

She went through meds, therapy and thank God, school with the Mercer County Special Services School District in Trenton, NJ. They saved my daughter. They saved me and my family. I don't think I would have been able to handle her for much longer without their intervention.

There was even a psychologist that advised me to put her into a home. No way, Jose. Not my baby. Well, despite a truly rough way to grow up for both of us.....obviously more so for her. But she did turn me into a better person and a better mom than those I came from.

My biggest lesson from her journey, never give up and never believe others that tell you to give up. There's always hope.

She's going to her prom tonight. She is graduating with a real high school diploma next month. Yeah, it took her a few extra years....AND? She's a straight A student and one of the best people I've known in my life. And guess what else? She's as goofy as goofy gets. She's my Tika.

(COMPLETELY PLUGGING HER BUSINESS TO START IN JULY - TIKA'S TRINKETS ON EBAY) lol

Spring is here

I'm trying to figure out how to do everything I want/need to do over the next few months. Thinking that I don't have enough time. Then I get mad at myself for adding even more....LOL. Oh well, not unusualy for me.
May 6th - movie night with the girls
May 7th Super Science Friday - Trenton - NJ State Museum
May 8th Mother's Day for my MIL
May 14th - Overnight club night with the girls
May 20th - daughter's prom night
May 25th - Oprah - the last show party

Planning father's day, family vacation, two more birthday parties, first day of new schools, trying to get myself into college, and just the normal daily life of a wife, mom, pet carer, friend, etc. lol.

ok, done bitching.

Prom Dresses

Prom dresses, shoes, make up, jewelry, undergarments, hair, hair accessories, OMG - WTF!!!!! None of this includes the tickets, the limos, flowers and all the other stuff that is a must for girls on prom night. But that part aside, I just pray that I don't have to worry about birth control that night or any other for that matter.

Today, Martika and I went shopping and bought her a beautiful gown. It simply accentuates what she already is - a beautiful and vibrant young woman. I was hoping that it would not take too long, it was nearly an hour. That's it. Oh well, shopping is all done. Gotta pick out jewelry and accessories.

I'll post prom pictures in a few weeks.

Let's All Wish Me Some Luck!!!!

Good Morning All - I am trying to redesign this blog, just because it's boring. If you have an opinion or advice, I'd love to hear how to make this better and easier. I BLOG FOR THE PEOPLE!!!!!

SWAK - ANNA

Testing Blogger iPhone app

Testing 123. I've always wanted to say that. Lol. If this works, I'll be much more likely to blog more often. Ok, here we go.

Relaunch Day Is Upon Us

I'm super effing excited about this. My baby, my husband - he's gonna help me get this set up right and hopefully, I learn from him how to do this more on my own. But I'm sitting here typing and writing (with an actual pen!) trying to create something that shows my personality but is also organized so I can work with it on the day to day. Here's to tomorrow. Kind of cool that my relaunch is on St. Patrick's Day!!!!! But I'm not doing it all green!!!!!! lol.

the revamp

So tomorrow night my husband will be helping me to redesign this blog. I have two goals with this tomorrow night - 1. create something inviting and interesting so other people will be entertained and maybe stop to think about my words once in a while. 2. create something inviting and interesting that will make me stick to blogging daily.

I think I need an outlet to let any/someone know how I think and what's important to me.

Mothers, Children

You know, the more I get to know my own mother and MIL, the more I pray that I will be smart enough to keep a healthy relationship with my own children and their spouses/children. I've gotten to a point in my life that I can see so many mistakes that I've made and have gotten ok with admitting those mistakes. I know it's important to people you've wronged that you just admit the wrong and apologize for it. Where my own growth seems to stop is in expecting others to do the same, and not being able to get passed there lack of acknowledgement in hurting me or others close to my heart.

There are so many times that I've seen truly horrendous things that no child should have seen. Some of the things my parents have they had done in front of us as children were extremely wrong. We saw way too much as children, things my adult children still haven't seen. When I brought this up to my parents, just to see where their opinions were now at a more mature age, they laugh it off like it was funny. The way we grew up would have been a situation that we would have been taken from the home had it been reported. There was a lot of drugs, sex and crime in our childhood.

My mother in law, has issues with her son (my husband) that she will refuse to acknowledge. I won't get into that on my blog, because those are not my memories.....they are his.

The point is that I've made numerous mistakes with my children. We all do. But there is a point when your mistakes have crossed a line. Where your actions are only for yourself REGARDLESS of the repercussions to your children. I made mistakes in my early twenties, too many boyfriends, too much drinking. I'm lucky that my children were shielded from most of it because much of it went on outside my home. But they are aware of some of it and to be in denial is show lack of respect for their feelings in what I put them through as their mom. It was up to me to show them a happy childhood, it was up to me to give them good (or bad) memories, it was up to me to do right or do wrong.

I've spoken to my children about these things. I've explained and apologized where I messed up. I'm not asking for forgiveness because at this point they've not expressed anger. I wonder if it could be that they may not hold any anger because I've acknowledged my wrongs toward them. I didn't wait for them to request an apology, I gave it because I knew they deserved it.

It's very difficult for me to talk to either of my moms and take anything they say seriously. My own mother came to my home (by my invitation) to celebrate her birthday with a lil family get together. 2 weeks later, when my 4 yr old son's birthday came up, she didn't call or come by. I posted my unhappiness on facebook......I knew my stepdad would see this. The Response? Why didn't you remind us? Three more days past by before I replied......OK, you've been reminded, when are you going to call or come by to wish him a happy birthday? The Response? Why didn't you call us so we could wish him a happy birthday?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I cut the ties once and for all. I say that I am done with the relationship with my mom and stepdad, but I do realize that it will never end. I'll always harbor bad feelings toward them for the lack of concern and understanding in what they stole from our lives as kids. I've moved passed it the only way that I can, I'll not let my children grow up anymore with thinking that it's ok to let people treat you like shit just because they are related to you. I miss my mom, I love the idea of who my mom could be. The reality is a stab in the heart. She has so many issues, and while I know she had a bad childhood herself, why can't she grow up and move on herself. Maybe if she starts this conversation with her own mom, then she and I can have ours.

But I know her well enough to know this - it will never happen. She lives to play the victim.......she's done it for so long she doesn't know anything else.

to be continued......

beauty bits

So, now that it's summer (aka hot, humid and just plain sticky) I've been trying to find a way to still wear my daily make up and not have it melt off me on my walk to work. Finally had to realize that no matter what company's make up I try, it's just going to be sweated off and wasted. So, I am washing my face really well, applying my sunscreen, throw on the shades and leave the house with my make up in my bag. The plan I have now is to double up on the basics.....moisturizing tint, mascara, eye liner, lip liner, etc. I'll leave those at work to alleviate the stuff I have to carry on the day to day. All I'll have to take to work in the actual colors of shadow and lipstick for that day.

Now I've tried many brands of foundation and tinted moisturizers, but I've not found one that doesn't get removed from my face once I start sweating.....and some of this stuff is super expensive so I hate wasting it.

Laziness

So today is the day for taking two of my midterms. I am exhausted and stressed out. Why? Because this semester has be frightened in the difficulty level. These classes are harder than I thought and I don't know if I can do this right. So what has been my solution? Ignore it. Well, now it's nearly 5am and I have been up most of the night. I went to bed late after studying, couldn't sleep. Kept thinking about school. Now I've been up since 4am and decided to take a quick break to type up this fear of mine and get it out of my system. I will deal with whatever consequences happen due to my lazy fear for school.

Next semester will be much harder because I will be back to my fulltime job and dealing with 6 classes. I don't know how I will get it done, but I won't be lazy......lol.....definitely scared. But maybe I can work that to be more of a nervousness instead of fear.

Ok, back to study.