How Not To Raise a Daughter

After nearly 24 years of being a mom, I think I have more advice on what not to do when raising a daughter than what should be done.  According to my daughter, K, I did a really bad job.  I didn't force her into a seated position to make her do her homework.  I didn't punish her often enough.  I didn't teach her how to be an adult.  I didn't.  I didn't.  I didn't.

I also don't recall teaching her to be in debt, or do everything in her power to be borderline homeless, how to excessive amounts of tattoos, how to overly dramatic, how to drop out of college twice, etc.  I didn't.  I didn't.  I didn't.  

Maybe I was too lenient.  Maybe I should have done all those things.  But I learned I am a person of extremes.  If I had forced her into that seated position......she very well might still be sitting there.  She's a good person, don't get me wrong.  But as with most parents, I wanted her to be better than me at her age.  I'm hopeful she'll turn things around this time.

I guess my biggest challenge with her now is how to be a mom to an adult that wants a mom but doesn't want me to "mom" her.  Hmmmmm.  The foots seriously about to come down.  But again, I'm that person of extremes.......if my foot comes down, it'll probably boot her out the door before she's ready again.  I'm signing she and I up for a budgeting class to take together.  I'm hoping we can learn from the class and each other in a way that is more constructive for the both of us.

It would be really nice for her to remember that her mom never gave up on her.  I didn't.  I didn't.  I didn't.  

The Secret Crush(es)

As a very married woman, it's so fun to have a crush on someone that's not my husband. And I don't mean the normal Channing Tatum variety. LOL. There are so many hot guys I get to see and interact with that are all a little bit special to me.

The Fed Ex guy that delivers to my job. He's not the most attractive guy, but every single time he comes in, he let's me know he thinks I'm beautiful. He compliments my clothing, my hair, my eyes. He never misses an opportunity to give me some sort of compliment.

The meter reader that comes in my house to read the meter smells like a dream. It doesn't matter what time he comes, the man smells like he just stepped out of the shower and is heading out for a night on the town.

The twitter account that sends all the romantic and sweet tweets. I don't know if it's a guy or not but in my head those are all direct messages to me. LOL.

It's so much fun to have these little crushes and still totally be hot for my husband. It's great to have a solid relationship where fun is part of daily life. There are a few more crushes, but a girl gets to keep some things to herself.

Mothers, Children

You know, the more I get to know my own mother and MIL, the more I pray that I will be smart enough to keep a healthy relationship with my own children and their spouses/children. I've gotten to a point in my life that I can see so many mistakes that I've made and have gotten ok with admitting those mistakes. I know it's important to people you've wronged that you just admit the wrong and apologize for it. Where my own growth seems to stop is in expecting others to do the same, and not being able to get passed there lack of acknowledgement in hurting me or others close to my heart.

There are so many times that I've seen truly horrendous things that no child should have seen. Some of the things my parents have they had done in front of us as children were extremely wrong. We saw way too much as children, things my adult children still haven't seen. When I brought this up to my parents, just to see where their opinions were now at a more mature age, they laugh it off like it was funny. The way we grew up would have been a situation that we would have been taken from the home had it been reported. There was a lot of drugs, sex and crime in our childhood.

My mother in law, has issues with her son (my husband) that she will refuse to acknowledge. I won't get into that on my blog, because those are not my memories.....they are his.

The point is that I've made numerous mistakes with my children. We all do. But there is a point when your mistakes have crossed a line. Where your actions are only for yourself REGARDLESS of the repercussions to your children. I made mistakes in my early twenties, too many boyfriends, too much drinking. I'm lucky that my children were shielded from most of it because much of it went on outside my home. But they are aware of some of it and to be in denial is show lack of respect for their feelings in what I put them through as their mom. It was up to me to show them a happy childhood, it was up to me to give them good (or bad) memories, it was up to me to do right or do wrong.

I've spoken to my children about these things. I've explained and apologized where I messed up. I'm not asking for forgiveness because at this point they've not expressed anger. I wonder if it could be that they may not hold any anger because I've acknowledged my wrongs toward them. I didn't wait for them to request an apology, I gave it because I knew they deserved it.

It's very difficult for me to talk to either of my moms and take anything they say seriously. My own mother came to my home (by my invitation) to celebrate her birthday with a lil family get together. 2 weeks later, when my 4 yr old son's birthday came up, she didn't call or come by. I posted my unhappiness on facebook......I knew my stepdad would see this. The Response? Why didn't you remind us? Three more days past by before I replied......OK, you've been reminded, when are you going to call or come by to wish him a happy birthday? The Response? Why didn't you call us so we could wish him a happy birthday?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I cut the ties once and for all. I say that I am done with the relationship with my mom and stepdad, but I do realize that it will never end. I'll always harbor bad feelings toward them for the lack of concern and understanding in what they stole from our lives as kids. I've moved passed it the only way that I can, I'll not let my children grow up anymore with thinking that it's ok to let people treat you like shit just because they are related to you. I miss my mom, I love the idea of who my mom could be. The reality is a stab in the heart. She has so many issues, and while I know she had a bad childhood herself, why can't she grow up and move on herself. Maybe if she starts this conversation with her own mom, then she and I can have ours.

But I know her well enough to know this - it will never happen. She lives to play the victim.......she's done it for so long she doesn't know anything else.

to be continued......