You're Always Gonna Be A White

To give you a bit of background information so this makes more sense contextually, I grew up knowing VERY well that my maternal grandmother hated the fact that my biological father, Ivan, is Puerto Rican.  She made that very clear with remarks over the years that usually ended with her me that she was really happy I looked like her.  This was very normal and I knew she hated that part of me.  My relationship with my grandmother was not as close as I originally believed.  But then it's difficult to have a relationship with someone that is as judgemental as she tended to be.  

She was a very strong, dominant type of person.  You knew she was in charge of any room she was in.  Not because she was physically aggressive (although she could be) but she just carried herself in a way that felt like she was in charge of the show.  She was very giving, very loving, and really let me know throughout my life that she thought I was special and I knew she loved me.  Her love for me was very evident and she always made sure I knew she loved me.  

I don't really remember my grandmother's exact words but I knew from an early age that she was racist.  She talked negatively about my dad for being a Spic, about my Uncle Eli for being a Jew, about my Aunt Dot for marrying That Jew, about my (Italian) neighbors for being Whops, about my (Asian) neighbors for being Dot Heads.  She often asked why I hung out with black kids instead of only white kids.   

When I was really young, she would play with my hair, compliment my blue eyes and tell me that I would always be a white.  I had always ASSumed she meant racially, I'd always be white.  She said that to me many times throughout my childhood.  It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I found out her maiden last name was White.  All those years were based on her chatter regarding other ethnicities, races, and nationalities........I had mistakenly thought she was calling on me to never forget I was a white person.  Nope, she was telling me that I was her family......a White.  

Actually, as I'm typing that last line............. I'm not sure now.  Did she mean white or White?  Hmmmm

I gained a lot of my strength from her.  I don't know how she felt about me over the last years of her life.  I know I always loved her even though she despised parts of me.  She still loved me in every way a grandmother will love their grandchild.  She never told me to hate anyone.  Never told me to stay away or not be anything other than myself to everyone around me.  She's been gone quite a few years now and I still haven't resolved in my heart how I feel about her.  I loved her and that's a fact.  But looking back I think I don't have respect for her or that I even liked her that much when I have this filter of experience looking at her now.

Having grown up in a world of drug abuse and neglect the way we did, I think you took whatever love you were able to get in the moments you were able to get it.  She loved me and I loved her.  As I got older and had my daughters, she was really very nice to them the few times they were around her.  She did the odd things you hear white folks doing with touching hair and being someone bewildered by them.  But she hugged all over them, kissed them and treated them the same way she did my sister and I.....wiith love.  I often wonder because of her about the various levels to racism.  Some hate, and some are bewildered by the unfamiliar.  I actually do miss her.  She was a fighter of epic proportions and would kick the shit out of anyone........I LOVED THAT ABOUT HER!!!  

I couldn't find any photos of my grandmother.  She was a beautiful woman, I wish you could have seen that as well as know her strengths and not just her weaknesses.  I'll write more about her as I ease into this phase.  I think I'm ready.  

Instead, I'm choosing to link out to the donation site for Black Lives Matter. 

Donate to Black Lives Matter

Film Review ~ Green Book 2018 (Spoilers and Commentary Ahead)

FYI - all of my reviews are done while watching the movie........sort of a play by play.

Green Book (2018) stars Mahershala Ali and Viggo Mortensen as a classical pianist who is black and a bouncer turned driver who is Italian.  It's based on the book The Negro Motorist Green Book.  This true story from the perspective of the driver (Tony Vallelonga) as passed down to his son, Nick.   Tony takes a job to drive for Don Shirley.

So going into this movie, that's about all I knew.  And though I'd heard of Mahershala Ali, I've never seen him in anything before this movie.  I'd never heard of the story or of Viggo, either.  I like seeing new talent for the first time and anything that starts off "based on a true story" is always a favorite.



And roll em'!

Opening the story, it's obvious that Tony is racist as all hell.  Two maintenance workers are in his home doing repair work.  Tony's wife offers them a drink as a thank you for their work and then they leave.  Tony can do nothing but eye the two drinking glasses over and over.  Eventually, he picks them up in disgust and throws them in the trash.  Why?  The two workers are black.  Then his family sits down to dinner beginning with a family prayer.  Very much a hypocrite.

The Interview - Tony has no job for the next two months and needs work as he's got a family to support.  He hears of a job and goes to check it out.  In doing so, he's thrown a curve ball to realize that he'd be working for a black man.  He lies about his views (duh) on black people.  Dr. Shirley is not impressed but he needs someone to protect him as well as drive while on tour in the deep south during the 1960s.

Obviously, he gets the job.

30:45 into the movie - Tony is still an asshole.  Oh, and he doesn't know to just shut the fuck up. His bubble is very small that he lives his life in.  He's so busy spouting off his own opinions as though they're facts.

38:42 into the movie - Oh My Goodness. The first time we're able to hear his music.  So dramatic.  It pulls at your emotions until you find yourself lost.  Even Tony is humbled.

Tony and Dr. Shirley are in the car listening to the radio.  It's astounding to Tony that while the Dr. has heard of these singers, Dr. Shirley has never listened to them.  Aretha Franklin, Sam Cooke, Little Richard, Chuck Berry.  Tony says "these are your people" to the Dr.  It makes you realize that while he's a prominent, successful pianist, he's probably lonely.  No one looks like him, no one plays like him, no one really talks to him as a friend.  Lessons are beginning on both sides of this relationship.

48:00 into the movie - Tony defends the hell out of the Dr.'s contract to play on a Steinway.  SLAP!!!!

LMAO - KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN (restaurant) IN THE STATE OF KENTUCKY!!!  (Why is this so damn funny to me?

1:12:00 into the movie.  I think more and more Tony is beginning to realize just a bit of what a black man needs to deal with just to get through each day.

1:22:00 into the movie.  I wonder if Tony will ever realize how much better his marriage will be because of the letters that the Dr. has helped him write to his wife during this tour.  I hope he's grateful.

The end of the movie.  It ends with smiles and gratitude and new beginnings.

I was initially going to say that this movie was not special because it felt very typical of any movie where race is the underlying lesson. But it is special.  Not because it's a movie but because this was the lives of two men and the building of their relationship.  Maybe I should say friendship.  They did have something tangible and real.  It stood the test of time.

One of the things that shocked me the most was learning of Sundown Towns.  Click the link so you can learn how fucked up our country IS.....not was......this is still happening today.  Read it.  Then ask yourself why more people don't hate us all.  One of those moments where being ashamed to be white hit me very hard.

Things I took away from this story.
There is no big moment of epiphany in this movie.  There is one scene where the Dr. just can't take Tony's ASSumptions anymore.  He asks him.......if I'm not black enough, not white enough, not man enough.....where do I fit in?  This movie seems to be about a relationship that would never have been possible without this tour.  Two men with little in common finding that they don't need common ground to find respect and understanding.  They've built a life long friendship based on honesty, integrity and in just learning about someone much different from themselves.

The reality, it's really showcasing the lonely life of an intelligent, talented, gay, alcoholic, black man who has no one.  No one to share anything with ever.  Imagine that for a moment.  Close your eyes.  Picture your life with no one around you.  No family.  No friends.  No one that looks like you.  No one that shares your interest.  No one to confide in.  No one that confides in you.  No one to say hello, good morning, good night, I'm lonely.  Just no one.

There's mention of a moment 6 years prior to this tour, that Nat King Cole was asked to perform.  He would be the first black man to be invited to perform in Birmingham, AL ever.  Here's the result.

Dr. Shirley was a special man with enormous talent.  Tony was NOT a special man until he learned to accept Dr. Shirley........and to enjoy the person he became in this process.

Genius is not enough.  It takes courage to change people's hearts.

Here's the Trailer!  Enjoy!!!  I give it a solid 4 shots out of 5.

Music - Is it really universal?

One of the lil bebe kids I wrote of yesterday just pissed me off for a whole 1/60 of a minute. I'm sitting on my porch listening to Klymaxx's I'd Still Say Yes with Howard Hewitt. It's one of my favs....it's just a good song. 'Lil Italy' comes up to me and asks what I am listening to, I say music and he says what kind of music. I said R&B music at the moment. He says why are you listening to that. I said because I like it, don't you like R&B music? He says yeah I like it but I didn't know you could. I said do you know it means Rhythm and Blues, not Rhythm and Black? He walked away. LMAO

I have always felt that music and art was the one area of the world that doesn't care a wit about what you look like. It doesn't care about gender, skin color, two arms or one head. It really doesn't even care if you notice it. It just needs to be. I love to listen almost any kind of music. It teaches me about more people and more experiences than those in my lil world. I get to hear others express what matters to them. I get to put myself into someone else's lil world.

It's just a great thing to not even do any of that. Just let your body flow with the music, let it rule your instincts into doing anything that comes next. Here's a few that do that for me.....

You and I by Jodeci
Amazed by Lonestar
TShirt and Panties by Adina Howard
Lately by Surface
Secret Garden by Quincy Jones
Weak by SWV

Too many to really name now that I think about it....