Autistic Child, But She’s An Adult

My daughter, Tika, is pretty freaking fabulous.  She was diagnosed at 19 months old as autistic.  I had no clue what that event meant…….sometimes I still don’t quite know what it means.  Life with her was extremely difficult and I was NOT a good mom by any means.  I was young, single, inexperienced.  But the teachers and support staff in her school system, Mercer County Special Services School District, gave us the tools to help her become the talented 24 year old young lady she is today.  

She has got to be the strongest person I’ve ever met.  When she was between the ages of about 2 until her early teens, she would frequently pull out her own hair, bang her head until she bled, etc.  She still does those things now, but she’s aware of it and why she’s doing it.  So we’ve set up ways to help her calm those feelings.  I distinctly remember the doctor’s wanting me to put her on medicines that would calm her or help her in various ways.  The school came to me and asked me one simple favor…..don’t medicate her, just let us do what we need to do and we can all do what’s best for her.  Please.  

I’ve never regretted a moment.  I do wish from time to time that she wasn’t autistic, but then she would not be the daughter I loved all these years.  She’s special beyond autism.  She’s talented.  She’s beautiful.  She’s intelligent.  She’s silly.  And she’s got the craziest giggle.  LOL.  She’s going to always be home with me and that’s ok too.  My only worry when it comes to my daughter is what will become of her when I pass away.  

How do you handle life for an autistic adult when you’re dead?  It’s called planning ahead.  The next few years, a lot of my time will be spent preparing her and our finances to cover her life beyond my own.  Who is going to handle her menopause?  Who is going to make sure she’s eating and bathing each day?  Who is going to get her those flu shots?  Haircuts?  Dental appointments?  Who will make sure she has her own space so it can be just the way she wants it?  Who will make sure no one hurts my bab

How Not To Raise a Daughter

After nearly 24 years of being a mom, I think I have more advice on what not to do when raising a daughter than what should be done.  According to my daughter, K, I did a really bad job.  I didn't force her into a seated position to make her do her homework.  I didn't punish her often enough.  I didn't teach her how to be an adult.  I didn't.  I didn't.  I didn't.

I also don't recall teaching her to be in debt, or do everything in her power to be borderline homeless, how to excessive amounts of tattoos, how to overly dramatic, how to drop out of college twice, etc.  I didn't.  I didn't.  I didn't.  

Maybe I was too lenient.  Maybe I should have done all those things.  But I learned I am a person of extremes.  If I had forced her into that seated position......she very well might still be sitting there.  She's a good person, don't get me wrong.  But as with most parents, I wanted her to be better than me at her age.  I'm hopeful she'll turn things around this time.

I guess my biggest challenge with her now is how to be a mom to an adult that wants a mom but doesn't want me to "mom" her.  Hmmmmm.  The foots seriously about to come down.  But again, I'm that person of extremes.......if my foot comes down, it'll probably boot her out the door before she's ready again.  I'm signing she and I up for a budgeting class to take together.  I'm hoping we can learn from the class and each other in a way that is more constructive for the both of us.

It would be really nice for her to remember that her mom never gave up on her.  I didn't.  I didn't.  I didn't.  

The Greatest Love of All - Not Likely

This is probably going to sound completely inappropriate. Maybe it is, but it's my honest inappropriate opinion. I've always believed in the loyalty of parents toward their children. I believe that as a parent, I owe everything iota of my life toward helping my children understand and learn what they need and how to get it. That does NOT stop on their 18th birthday. It goes on until I die. I am always aware that whatever I am learning now about mortgages, debt consolidation, pedicures, ear wax build up, tax returns, etc is all information I should pass down to my babies.

I love them enough that this is a joy to do.

Most of the time.

But not lately.

I'm going to do the Kelly Ripa thing and call this child - She who shall not be named. Not because I might embarrass her, but because she is a huge embarrassment to me right now as a mom. Mom's have that thing where we always love you, but might not really like you sometimes. Well, right now I'm struggly to keep the love for her in my heart because she's doing so many hurtful things. And not just to me, but to the rest of the family, to her friends, and definitely to herself. I'm hoping that she gets herself straight without getting pregnant, jailed, or physically hurt.

It's all just details at this point, but I've finally had to take the advice of my husband and step back to let her fall. And I hate knowing that when she falls, she's gonna be paying for it for years. She has already done so much damage to our relationship with her, we seriously are ok with never seeing her as she leads the lifestyle she's got right now. The people she hangs with are as hideous as she. She's become so many nasty names that I'll choose to not publicize here. The hardest part for me is seeing her take this fall and knowing there will come a day that she will have to call or knock to ask for help....and my answer is going to be NO. It's the answer I have to give to keep teaching her those lessons.

It hurt me to watch her take her first steps and see her fall down and cry. But it's how you learn to walk for yourself. Walk, fall, cry, walk, fall, cry. She's walking the walk she's decided to take, so now she's gonna have to fall and cry on her own. I'll listen, I'll advise, but she's gonna have to pick herself up all over again.

She doesn't want to do right by me now, don't expect me to do right by you then.