You're Always Gonna Be A White

To give you a bit of background information so this makes more sense contextually, I grew up knowing VERY well that my maternal grandmother hated the fact that my biological father, Ivan, is Puerto Rican.  She made that very clear with remarks over the years that usually ended with her me that she was really happy I looked like her.  This was very normal and I knew she hated that part of me.  My relationship with my grandmother was not as close as I originally believed.  But then it's difficult to have a relationship with someone that is as judgemental as she tended to be.  

She was a very strong, dominant type of person.  You knew she was in charge of any room she was in.  Not because she was physically aggressive (although she could be) but she just carried herself in a way that felt like she was in charge of the show.  She was very giving, very loving, and really let me know throughout my life that she thought I was special and I knew she loved me.  Her love for me was very evident and she always made sure I knew she loved me.  

I don't really remember my grandmother's exact words but I knew from an early age that she was racist.  She talked negatively about my dad for being a Spic, about my Uncle Eli for being a Jew, about my Aunt Dot for marrying That Jew, about my (Italian) neighbors for being Whops, about my (Asian) neighbors for being Dot Heads.  She often asked why I hung out with black kids instead of only white kids.   

When I was really young, she would play with my hair, compliment my blue eyes and tell me that I would always be a white.  I had always ASSumed she meant racially, I'd always be white.  She said that to me many times throughout my childhood.  It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I found out her maiden last name was White.  All those years were based on her chatter regarding other ethnicities, races, and nationalities........I had mistakenly thought she was calling on me to never forget I was a white person.  Nope, she was telling me that I was her family......a White.  

Actually, as I'm typing that last line............. I'm not sure now.  Did she mean white or White?  Hmmmm

I gained a lot of my strength from her.  I don't know how she felt about me over the last years of her life.  I know I always loved her even though she despised parts of me.  She still loved me in every way a grandmother will love their grandchild.  She never told me to hate anyone.  Never told me to stay away or not be anything other than myself to everyone around me.  She's been gone quite a few years now and I still haven't resolved in my heart how I feel about her.  I loved her and that's a fact.  But looking back I think I don't have respect for her or that I even liked her that much when I have this filter of experience looking at her now.

Having grown up in a world of drug abuse and neglect the way we did, I think you took whatever love you were able to get in the moments you were able to get it.  She loved me and I loved her.  As I got older and had my daughters, she was really very nice to them the few times they were around her.  She did the odd things you hear white folks doing with touching hair and being someone bewildered by them.  But she hugged all over them, kissed them and treated them the same way she did my sister and I.....wiith love.  I often wonder because of her about the various levels to racism.  Some hate, and some are bewildered by the unfamiliar.  I actually do miss her.  She was a fighter of epic proportions and would kick the shit out of anyone........I LOVED THAT ABOUT HER!!!  

I couldn't find any photos of my grandmother.  She was a beautiful woman, I wish you could have seen that as well as know her strengths and not just her weaknesses.  I'll write more about her as I ease into this phase.  I think I'm ready.  

Instead, I'm choosing to link out to the donation site for Black Lives Matter. 

Donate to Black Lives Matter

The Secret Crush(es)

As a very married woman, it's so fun to have a crush on someone that's not my husband. And I don't mean the normal Channing Tatum variety. LOL. There are so many hot guys I get to see and interact with that are all a little bit special to me.

The Fed Ex guy that delivers to my job. He's not the most attractive guy, but every single time he comes in, he let's me know he thinks I'm beautiful. He compliments my clothing, my hair, my eyes. He never misses an opportunity to give me some sort of compliment.

The meter reader that comes in my house to read the meter smells like a dream. It doesn't matter what time he comes, the man smells like he just stepped out of the shower and is heading out for a night on the town.

The twitter account that sends all the romantic and sweet tweets. I don't know if it's a guy or not but in my head those are all direct messages to me. LOL.

It's so much fun to have these little crushes and still totally be hot for my husband. It's great to have a solid relationship where fun is part of daily life. There are a few more crushes, but a girl gets to keep some things to herself.

50 Shades of Grey? Color Me Red....LOL

I'm going to get this out of the way first. OH MY GOD WOW WHOA HOLY MOSES WHAT THE HELL

OK, on to my opinion of the book 50 Shades of Grey. Oh, wait....I just did that. LOL..

I absolutely do not want to give up anything for people who haven't read it, (FYI - I wish both of you would get to it) but this book is extremely hard to put down. So hard in fact that my boss probably thinks I have the stomach flu right about now as I've been sneaking my ipad to the bathroom at every opportunity. It starts off great, gets better and just stays there. It's actually hard for me to accept Ana's relationship with Christian on a level of "I'm an independent and intelligent woman".

But I do like that they love each other so much and are trying hard not to change each other that they both become a lil of what they originally believe they don't want to be......love can do all sorts of things.....

I've finished book 1 and book 2. The erotic parts of the books definitely cannot be removed as they are not just basic part of the book, but a building block of the relationship between them.

Ladies - read this book for yourselves. Enjoy it for your own pleasure. Then make your man read it for himself. And make sure he enjoys it for YOUR pleasure too. LOL

My President Obama - I'm So Proud of Him

In 2008, I experienced my first time of being excited during an election. Yes, I was completely enthralled with Mr. Obama. I donated money and talked to people till I was blue in the face about his qualities and honesty. On election day, I got up early in the morning and felt this was a moment that would always be a memory in my heart. It was and it still is. I couldn't wait to see him go from Mr. to President Obama.

In 2012, the shine and newness has worn off, but I feel no less about his qualities and honesty. He's just a good person. He's raising his family and doing his job to the best of his abilities. No one should ask for more right? Apparently, I'm wrong.

Yesterday, President Obama said in an interview with Robin Roberts that he supports a gay person's right to marry. He said he was well aware that some of his supporters and people in his circle of friends and family may not agree. He said that this was his own belief after taking time over years to think it through. (These are not exact quotes). I applaud that this is something he thought about. He didn't do this for votes. He didn't just say it. He didn't take it lightly. He thought it through. When was the last politician you heard say it took them years to think through this major belief in anything.

He was always going to get my vote. I would vote for him for those qualities and his honesty. Now I'm voting for him because of his understanding of things that while they may not reflect who he is, still represent people. Isn't the first amendment about rights?

On a side note, I'm so proud of him for taking himself out of his own religious beliefs and truly separating church and government. Do you know how he did this? People keep touting the bible says that gay people are not to be allowed. But many people keep forgetting the bible also says not to judge others. President Obama should be used as an example to the world to show that passing judgement is NOT what religion is about.....it's about love and faith. Leave the judgements to your God.